Today I was brave. I don’t want to have to be brave just to send my daughter birthday presents. Anger swells. Anxiety presents.

I mailed Isabella her birthday presents. I sent her 4 books, some bath paint, and a couple little art projects. I recorded myself reading her the stories on my YouTube page. We used to read almost nightly (on Facebook Live!) and I really thought she would like this idea, the books and the videos. She can read along in her books while I read them to her despite the physical distance. I know that she will want the books. And she loves little art projects, last I knew anyway.

One might think that this would be a wonderful and joyful thing. Since I cannot be there, I hoped to be able to be there in spirit. But most of what I am experiencing is fear. Anxiety. Depression. My heart is happy with my effort knowing that I did everything in my power to celebrate my daughter’s 5th birthday with her. I cannot help but wonder if she will be allowed the presents, be allowed to watch the videos. Sending these presents was extremely dangerous for me, emotionally unsafe. I pray this is a non-event meaning I don’t experience any backlash. Maybe I will be allowed to simply mail presents to my daughter for her birthday. I can only do what is in my power and leave the rest to the Universe.

I wanted to share a few things: there is a good chance this will not make sense but I get to share what I want on my page. I refuse to let fear guide my words. First things first, I am okay. Well, as the title suggests, I am not okay, and that’s okay, but for those of you with concerns about my wellbeing, I am at a moment of reembrace. I took myself out of the world in many ways last month. There were thoughts to do it permanently. I just kind of hobbled along, putting that off in order to get to this place. It’s a new place driven by fear and high emotion. Driven by a new friend called Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I have been friends with Substance Use Disorder and Major Depressive Disorder for a long time respectively. Anxiety was not to be left out and recently made itself known. As I said, this is a newer friend and when it came about, my world crashed. I reached for the unhealthiest coping mechanism that I could muster, and burrowed down. Mental health is such a fragile thing for me personally. Even at my best there are things that I must do every single day just to be okay… and that’s okay. This was new and on a much higher and stronger level than I have ever experienced.

Reasons: I have been away from home for a year now in a street fight to save my own life. Even during successful days/weeks/months, it’s very hard. I miss Lawrence. I miss my darling, Angela. I am potentially on the cusp of being able to speak with my beloved Moon again after more than a year and my fear is that this will still not happen. My progress here in Wichita has been slow and steady which is hard for this alcoholic. Slow steady progress is still progress and that is still hard for me to deal with… and that’s okay. Finally, after years and years of trying to find a place to fit into humanity from a religious perspective, the homos were condemned yet again from the human pulpit of the church I went to. I was already so low and close to broken that this tossed me into the street like Edward Norton and Brad Pitt in Fight Club. I let humanity get to me. I let humanity get between me and my god. Oops. My heart was already breaking on so many levels; I just could not handle it. And that’s okay.

I sought help. And that’s okay. I sought help no matter the cost, no matter the consequence. Spoiler alert: also okay. At this moment, which took a week of hospitalization to get to, I refuse to tell myself that it was too late or that I could have done anything different. I did and am doing the best I can… and that’s okay. Anyways, I just wanted to let y’all know that I’m okay. I needed a bit more than a FB post to do so. Thanks for reading. Be well.