I posted a picture on FB recently asking friends if I looked like a badass or a fool. I felt very badass in the photo. Ang teased me saying I looked silly.
But it made me realize that I have felt comfortable in my own skin for going on 3 years! If I just sit and let that be, marinate in that for a little bit, it is beyond amazing. I started running from myself when I was 18 years old, almost the moment I left home.
I have been searching for myself ever since. Some say that the gods split us when someone made them mad and since then we search for our other half in a significant other. I say we are fractured within ourselves. If that was my case at some point, it is no longer true. And not to say that I am static in my being. I have found a home within myself and I continue to grow.
I have found the badass in myself. I have learned how to define that badass in myself any way I want. I would like to think that I am doing that with my kiddo as well. And oh man, that is so hard!
Anywho, I could ramble on, but I took my little badass kayaking yesterday. Ang and I have 2 one person kayaks. We tried taking Bella in a kayak with Ang and it was a very tight fit. It would only have been worse with me. I wanted Bella to give it a go on her own. I want her to build some confidence in herself. She mostly crushed it. I don’t know that I thought there could be any other option. We were taking the kayaks out on the lake and I sure as hell had no way to pull her back in. I don’t know what’s going to be changeling for an 8 year old. I don’t remember what it is like to be 8! Spoiler alert: I didn’t know what was going to be hard for this 43 3/4 year old either.
We began the conversation even before we started putting the kayaks on the car. How the hell was I going to get kayaks on and off the car with an 8 year old? She wanted to go kayaking, but I really think she has no idea how much work is involved in everything. So I started the conversation telling her that she was going to help me every step of the way. And with each step I asked, do you still wanna do this? The first step was lifting the kayaks off the ground, just her and me. You are seeing how much work this is, do you still want to do this? Yes, was always the answer, so we pressed on.
We lifted the kayaks on to the car, her and I. We pulled out a step-stool, I handed her the front end, and she held it while I lifted the back end. I put the straps on and tightened them, showed her how to tie off the ends of the straps, and then moved on to the next, all the while asking, you see how much work this is, do you still want to do it? We will have to do this again after we kayak, do you still want to do it? Yes.
As far as I know, she has only had one lesson in a kayak with Ang. I am not familiar with what water sports or lessons she has had other than when she is with me. She did very well. She paddled with both hands and on both sides. She stayed low in the kayak. She sailed out to sea just fine.
Once we got out of the little cove that we put in at, it got a little windy and it got a little difficult. Again, I didn’t really think there was any other option than just going out and coming back. I didn’t think to bring a tow or anything. She suggests jumping out and swimming back to shore and I was like, wait, what? This is getting serious.
I had her grab the back of my kayak and pulled her a little distance. I never pulled another kayak with a kayak, yet alone one that was a T dragging behind me. It felt like I was going nowhere in the water. But once we got back into the cove and out of the wind, she killed it again!
Now, had my conversation worked? Did she help me get the kayaks back on the car after kayaking? Weeeeellll, mostly. She wiped out on the boat ramp that was slick with moss and hit her elbow, bum, and hurt her wrists. She was tired, a little whiny. I tipped the scales and took both kayaks up the boat ramp by myself and then when she asked if the other kayakers next to us could help load our kayaks, I kind of lost it.
I not so gently reminded her that we were doing this together, just her and I. If we wanted to go kayaking, we were doing the work. Then I tied one of the knots myself to which she said, well you tied that one, can’t you tie the others? Again, not so gentle, I suggested to her that what she meant to say was, thanks mom, for tying that first knot and what more can I do to help. It’s hot. I am sweating my ass off. She says, I say what I mean. Full stop.
What happened next? Well, we are both alive AND we made it to the barn in time for her to get her horse ready for the show today. She did it. I did it. WE did it. Stay tuned for more on if and when we ever go kayaking together again.
The Isms of the Ic 