Oh man, what a whirlwind. So where was I? Growth? Death? Marriage? Family? Favorite people? Love?
Yes. All the above. I think that more often than not, growth comes from pain. While there was some of that, my grandmother was 93 years old for goodness sake. I don’t know when I heard of the concept, but I had done a lot of pre-grieving for my grandfather. So I pre-grieved for my grandmother as well. It wasn’t quite the same. It didn’t sit the same. He had Alzheimer’s and he really wasn’t himself. He was lost and confused and got combative in the end. She was never like that. Soft and kind till her last breath.
I had the pleasure of spending time with several family members as they decided to switch her from restorative care to hospice. This all took place in the same room at the hospital in Salina. My mother called me and let me know that she was there, and Angela and I took off the next day to see everyone.
I never experienced someone actually dying in front of me. Making the decision to ease her pain and let her pass away. She had a DNR, so when there were no signs of improvement, my dad and his brothers, my mom and aunts all made the decision. I think. I don’t know, I just showed up and stood next to her bed for as long as I could. Everyone was sitting around the room chatting. Dad went and got Cozy Burgers. It was a lazy Saturday, but our Matriarch was dying.
She was so kind until the end. She thought we were waiting for her to eat and kept saying, no, I’m fine, you go ahead and eat. I’m fine. I’m fine. I didn’t know if she was talking about food or dying. Maybe she didn’t either. Maybe she was reassuring us.
My youngest brother brought his new baby in to see her. We woke her up and she smiled at baby Cooper. We all sat around analyzing everything she said. She said, hi pumpkin and everyone was like, has she said pumpkin before? She never called anyone pumpkin before. We murmured about the room.
Aunt Louise came a bit later and put on some Lutheran hymns. It was so wonderful. I think like 2 priests came by and a cousin of grandma’s that was in town for a Lutheran convention.
My dad’s 2 younger brothers looked tired. I don’t know how long they had been there. Mom said they were trading off staying with grandma overnight. Everyone had tears. I have them now. Everyone came up to her one at a time and told her whatever they wanted to say not knowing when she would take her last breath. I never left her side so I heard a few things. Aunt Louise wanted to tell her that she would take care of Uncle Eugene. I think Uncle Dwayne told her that he would be okay too.
Even though I was sad: the pain was very acute, holding her hand, I leaned in and told her that I wasn’t sad. I was so happy that I had 43 amazing years with her. I told her it was okay to go. I told her I would be okay. We all would be okay. I thanked her for being an amazing grandmother. I thanked her for a lifetime of joy and fun and play as a child and support as an adult; even a few times of tough love. I think I saw her cry three times in my life and 2 were the result of my alcoholic actions. There was a moment with my Uncle Eugene, both of us in tears where we laughed and he told both grandma and I that we had had some rough times. My mother leaned in, tears streaming and said I would not be where I was without my uncles. She is 100% correct. It was such a healing moment. God I hope it was half as healing to anyone else in that conversation as it was for me.
I don’t know what my extended family will look like without the anchor of my grandparents, but everyone is still in Ellsworth, so I hope we can all still be a family that gathers. My folks have kind of taken over the hosting duties. They are the eldest, so we will see what happens and how I can contribute.
Angela and I visited Saturday, most of the day. I got the text the next morning during church that she had passed away. I excused myself from after church pleasantries and cried in the car. We had planned to go back that afternoon. It was all as god would have it, but little did I know god would have it all god’s way.
I assumed the funeral would have been a couple weeks out. Angela and I started talking right away about changing our minimoon to Kanopolis Lake or Wilson Lake. We got the news that the funeral was slated for Friday, the day before our wedding. I was instantly pissed. Phew, that took some doing to work through. It was a quick shift though. My mother was on the other end of the text line as I changed from anger to acceptance. She was kind and reassuring. I was so proud of her. We were doing our own decorating for the wedding and Friday was booked up with help from our friends, deliveries, and preparations for the wedding.
I went to work Monday. The plan, my plan, was to work through Thursday. There was also a lot going on at work. I had multiple trainees in progress and more starting Thursday. I let my boss know of my grandmother’s death but assured her that I would be fine to continue work through Thursday. Again, higher power had some other ideas. I found myself scattered at work and got little done. I was distracted during training. I thrive on efficiency so that felt super chaotic. My boss mention bereavement leave and I declined. But by the next morning, I texted her and let her know that I would be so grateful to be able to take some time to grieve. She accepted via text and I proceeded to cry for about the next 2 days.
I still had some decisions to make. I hope I prayed about them. My praying is strange. Instead of digging in and trying to figure out what I should be doing, I let go and allow myself to be guided. Sometimes it doesn’t feel like praying though as I never sit down and start or end a prayer in a formal way. I love a significant amount of formality in strange little ways. I like sir and ma’am. I love the formality of the way a sporting event is played. I like writing letters. I like the pomp and circumstance of a lot of things, so letting go and just allowing myself to be guided by a god that I do not understand feels, at times, like I am not praying or being guided at all. But I am. I make decisions guided by a higher power that allows for the greatest good. And I could not leave Angela or the many folks helping us with wedding preparations to go to my favorite human’s funeral on Friday.
So I actively chose to miss the funeral. I chose Angela. I chose me. I chose my vibrant living life instead of the formal burying of my most dear and beloved human. It was a hard hard hard decision but I have not regretted it for one moment. My sister-in-law was so very kind enough to share several pictures. It’s something I can never change. It’s something I will have always missed. This decision was made pretty early Tuesday morning after taking bereavement leave from work. At that time, I also did not think it would be good for me to go to the visitation that the funeral home offers. Angela had to stay at work through Thursday, so I would be on my own. I wasn’t sure it was safe for me emotionally.
After two full days of bereavement leave, that had changed. I wanted part of the formality. So I drove the 2.5 hours to Ellsworth to bid farewell to my grandmother’s human form. Upon saying goodbye to her body, I slipped my 1000 day coin in her hand and thanked her again for being so amazing.
Almost more importantly, however, was that I got to see some family that I had not seen in about 5 years, grandma’s extended family, her sister’s kids, and grandkids. We would see a lot of our cousins as children, but never kept it up as older folks. Grandma’s eldest sister had 8 kids and then husbands and wives and kids of their own. Her other sister has several kids as well, significant others, and kids. Many were in attendance. At this point in my life, many whom I don’t know at all other than by face and familiarity. Mona, Della, Alice, Bill, and Nancy were the siblings. Grandpa had 2, Geneva and Peck. The Wachs’ and the Rankers.
I also got to see all 4 of my siblings for the first time together since grandpa died. This is getting more and more common since we live in 3 different states including Hawaii. I think I probably have 2 estranged siblings at this point but only one has been upfront about it. Not that that matters. All are cordial during events like this. And everyone has their own big beautiful life to attend to.
I felt bad that I was not able to attend the actual funeral with them and experience that terrible acute pain with them. Healing happened for Nicolaus and I the next day at my wedding. We were in tears before we even hugged each other and I was in full sob by the time I was telling him how grateful he was there. Erynn was also at the wedding. Terry was on call at work and Paul was silently MIA. Different strokes for different folks. I don’t know how each is processing the events of the week.
She was dear to many, taught me mounds of lessons, and most of all, we had a ton of fun together for a really really long time. I love you forever, grandma. Love, Holly Dolly.
The Isms of the Ic 