We spent a lovely day yesterday thinking about the year to come. I am a brand new part time parent with a 7 year old. I was in school when she was born. I was her full time caregiver only away from her when I was in class.
“Nooooo.”
“No. Hmmmmm.”
“Hmm.”
Nevertheless, it was Bella and me. Then addiction and destruction happened. I did not see her from February 2018 until early 2020. Just over two years, if I recall correctly without looking at notes. Since early 2020, I have been working for more time and rights. I took her other parent to court and have been awarded joint legal custody with parenting time every other weekend. When I decided to have a child, this was never the manifestation in my head, to see and be with my child every other weekend. Alas, here we are.
We make the most of the weekends. This weekend has been my third or fourth full weekend and we are finding our footings. She has her own room which we started decorating together. She is settling in and getting comfortable, as am I and my fiancée.
With as much as we know about parenting and humanity in general, I often wonder how I am screwing my kid up in this very moment. Every parent does the best they can, and yet every adult struggles with something from their childhood. I wonder how I am scarring her. It’s not a self defeating wonder. It’s a curious wonder. I also wonder how I might be providing something/anything she may not be getting at her other home.
We had an amazing NYE: there was food, dancing, singing, fellowship, contentment. We ended the night (very late for this routine based mommie) by releasing a lantern with words like family, love, peace, joy etc, into the night air and watching it till it disappeared into the night sky. This is the very first 3 day weekend that I have her, so we also had a full day New Years Day and still time today! We spent time yesterday being together with food, writing intentions for the year, manifesting growth, connection, creativity. We drew pictures and words onto paper and then burned everything to symbolize letting it go.
I don’t know why I didn’t put parenting on my paper because there is a monumental intention that I need to mediate and write on and then let go. I never planned to be a part time parent. I have no idea what it looks like. What do I focus on? What do I adhere to? What do I let go of? What is important and what is not?
I am not completely without tools. I do have a mother and a lovely family from which I came. I know that my kiddo will be loved. She will know she is loved more than anything. No matter what. Without cause or circumstance. I love you. No matter what.
And I will be there. No matter where there is: so far it has been horse shows and soccer games. The rest is relaxed free time to be herself, play with the dog, have time and space to herself, and go do all the fun things that our beloved town has to offer. We are just getting started in that arena.
It’s been a thrill thus far, this part time parenting. And only about 1.5 million doubts. I guess I’ll keep suiting up and showing up so I can show her how it’s done.
The Isms of the Ic 