Not much has changed for me except when I talk about my depression or how hard it is to stay sober, everyone now says, you know, everyone is going through a lot right now. This is and has been my life for years. Addiction. Depression. Anxiety. Fear. Emotions I cannot control. Lack of interest in life and people. Only now the world seems to be experiencing it. So how do y’all feel? Shitty, right? Yeah, it sucks. It’s hard to reach out for help, especially all the time every day. You don’t know what to do or how to do it. You try one thing and it doesn’t work and you are still depressed so you try another and another. You go to work, if you are allowed, by society or your broken brain. You come home and do your routine. Something is missing. You don’t know what or how to fix it. You go to bed and try it all again tomorrow. And tomorrow and tomorrow. Always asking, how long will this last?
I am still away from everyone I love. I’m still a visitor in my own nightmare. Most moves feel wrong. I am treading water asking when will this all end knowing that it won’t. Knowing that I am the only one who can “fix” it. I’m not waiting on a virus to pass, work to return to, social activities that bring me joy, not even waiting to go out to eat at a restaurant I used to love. I can barely afford basic essentials to make it to work, keep insurance on my car, a working phone, and medications. I’m not waiting for a virus to pass so I can return to normal life. This is my life.
The only thing that has changed is that I cannot see the one person left in my life that still returns my love and treats me with kindness and respect. So, yeah, we are all going through a lot. I wish no one ill. I pray you are all finding ways to cope. If you find the magic bean, I’ll split it with you.
Thank god for my job, coworkers, home, housemates, my sobriety today. No matter how long this lasts and how bad it is, I still have the power to make it worse. I’m the only one who can change it. What are you going to do different this time? How do I get home?
The Isms of the Ic 
Keep writing Holly, you have a gift with words 🙂 It’s an amazing talent to be able to articulate life and feelings on the screen. Don’t give up
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Oh wow. Thank you.
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Of course!
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A lot of life is an endurance activity, like a marathon. It can be grueling. You can feel like quitting before you have sight of the finish line. It can break you and put you back together again. There’s no shame in feeling like it’s too hard or that you’re in over your head. But honey, it does get better. There is no solution to be forced. There isn’t an outcome that we can write the script for. Don’t check out before you see the fruit of your labor. You don’t have to believe me, but disbelief in a promise of light and love for your future will keep you down. In fact, disbelief in the light and love that is surrounding you now — where and who you are right now — will not serve you. You are loved by infinitely more people than just that one you put on a pedestal. She is not your ticket out of your depression. And, she will stand her ground and firmly tell you that you are stronger than you know. You’ve got this, and you really already know that, so what now?
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