Unfortunately, I do not have the option of social distancing at this moment. I guess clarification would require me to state that my opinion of social distancing is not possible for me at the moment. I don’t have it for a few reasons. I am still working, which I am very grateful for. Work = pay. I am safer at work than home. I live in a sober living home in Wichita, which houses 40+ people. So at work, I am in a much larger room than home with fewer people. At home, which I am wicked grateful for, we eat and meet together, so far required. At work, I still get to help people from the safety and comfort of my cubicle. And I love it. Work is taking precautions to keep us safe and we get to help people all over the country with their Boot Barn needs. We are considered a service to Critical Industry needs. And this may seem like non-essentials for some, but there are those who are still working to keep this country going and they need work boots. This, I choose, to believe is the reason for me still being at work, not to mention that IFDK about pay if I am not there and I am at a bare minimal functional level financially. I choose to stay at work in case I do get sick and have to be gone for 2+ weeks. So I am grateful for work for more reasons than one. I will continue to suit up and show up until they tell me otherwise.
That being said, I have had the last 2 days off. It’s been like the standard definition of a vacation: it’s so good to go somewhere fun and different and then it’s so good to come home. Yesterday, in favor of isolation, I stayed in my room. I was a little surprised at myself, though because I relish my days off for things like reading and writing, but all I did yesterday was watch free movies on YouTube. There is not a great selection. I don’t have cable or any of the other tv provider apps or anything. I was kind of paralyzed. I got out some creative expressions but really just vegged out. So much so that I thought I would have trouble sleeping last night, but slept better than I have in days. Depression? New normal? Day off without love love in town? I just don’t know.
Today has been different. I read for hours in my book, currently Harry Potter Year 4, this morning. With the libraries being closed, I’m scared to read my book because it will end. Is anyone else experiencing this? I cannot check out a new one so I don’t want to finish the one I’m on. Let’s not mention that I have a habit of collecting books that I have yet to read. And there is a plethora of online books. So I read.
And as I sit here writing, I am listening to Brene Brown’s new podcast. It’s called Unlocked. This is new. Maybe not so ironically this idea of the new normal is exactly what she is talking about in her first podcast. Honestly I don’t even like podcasts, yet here I sit. Brene is speaking of FFT. Fucking First Time is what she calls it. She states that, even as we are adults and moving through life, that we have some clue about what we are doing. This is not the case for most adults at this moment. Nothing is the same. In fact, if it is the same, that makes me anxious. This is a little bit of the case in my home. Same equals lack of education. Same equals sickness. Same equals poverty. What can I personally do? How do I change to survive?
Well I am an alcoholic, so I want to run. How the hell do I get out of here? I also want to blame. These people are not taking this shit seriously. I cannot go anywhere because I have nowhere to go but surely some of these other people have somewhere to go. I assume that the people running this house are operating from an ostrich perspective, yet we have never been here before so how the hell would I know? They don’t know what to do as I don’t know what to do. They serve alcoholics. I am one of them. Now what?
Run. Run and run. My mind is insane. I could quarantine at my folks’ house. I could also kill my grandmother by doing so. I could force myself on my girlfriend. She could also kick me to the streets because she has a commitment to her family. I think I can worm my way and appeal to emotions because I am susceptible to that, but others don’t see things this way. Boundaries are boundaries.
So here is Brene: Normalize it– name your feelings and tell yourself it is okay. No matter what that looks like. Feel scared. Feel insecure. Model it for your kids and peers. This is human and emotional intelligence. You don’t have to protect your loved ones. You can model “I have no clue” and still move forward despite uncertainties and emotionalism. Name emotions. Show vulnerability. Be you and model what is going on within you.
Put in perspective– perspective is a function of experience. Feelings are okay. All the feels. Insert gratitude here. More on that in another blog.
Reality checking– expectations. “Listen with the same passion that you have for wanting to be heard.” Harriet Lerner.
Local. City. County. State. Area. Nation. Family. Loved ones. Near and far. I see you. I hear you. I am you.
The Isms of the Ic 