Moments of okayness

When you are wrapped up in depression, right in the middle, in the thick of it, it is easy to tell if you are having a good day. Wait, let me stop me right there: even part of a good day is, well, good!

I woke up and went to morning meditation at my house. I did not go back to bed. After meditation, I didn’t go back to bed again and, in fact, dressed for the gym. Then I took my meds, as prescribed, on time. Then I actually went to the gym! But not before cleaning out the front seat of my car. Whaaa?! Like someone could actually sit there today. At the gym I biked for 30 minutes, rowed for like 10, did 2 different ab machines, and hit the step-mill for 5 minutes. That’s amazing shit right there when it’s a chore to get up and stay up. AND… I did all this while I finished up the formatting on my blog because the gym has WiFi and the service at my house sucks. So I posted my latest blog which has been freeing to some of the heartache I go through on a daily basis yet alone a birthday week for my daughter. Upon returning home, I showered and ate a decent breakfast. My shower self care regime is pretty satisfying as well. I have gone without my hair conditioner, hair oil or lotion for my skin many times before. What a gift! It’s really nice to not have to do that today and I am grateful every single day I get to use my chosen hygiene supplies. Since I had not gone back to bed, and stayed motivated, I still had time after my shower to do a little journaling and reading. This is usually inspiring and gratifying. Again with the crippling depression that I have experienced lately, it’s not always inspiring. There are times I cry, or want to go back to bed. But today was okay! All the while during this morning that doesn’t suck, that I didn’t have to drag myself through, there is my love on the text line talking about her latest analogy of human behavior. That’s a good morning for a depressed chica!

God, I am proud of the effort I put into my daughter’s 5th birthday despite the perpetual resistance. I need you to take the results and wrap them in your love and take care of me as you do it. I did my part. Please help me accept the results. Please help me guard my anger and expectations with love. #loveholly